ISSUE 73
11 FEBRUARY 2026 | READ ONLINE
Hi Reader,
This week’s intention:
To stop treating every conversation like a problem to solve.
Not because I don’t love solving. I do. Actually, I wrote about being a “fixer” on a recent LinkedIn post.
But I’ve noticed something about high-capability humans (hi, it’s us):
The moment someone shares something messy, uncertain, or emotional, our brain starts drafting a response.
A fix. A framework. A plan.
And we call it being supportive.
This week, I caught myself doing it again.
A client was describing a situation that wasn’t ‘bad’. Let’s call it misaligned.
They were doing all the right things. Performing well. Being responsible.
But they looked exhausted.
And my mind immediately reached for my greatest hits:
- “Let’s map options.”
- “Let’s build a strategy.”
- “Let’s make a decision.”
Then I felt it. Not from them.
From me.
Because underneath my helpfulness was an agenda:
“Let’s get you out of this feeling.”
So I tried something different. I didn’t offer a solution.
I asked:
“Do you want support, ideas, or space to sort this out out loud?”
They paused.
Exhaled.
And said, “Space.”
And then (without my doing anything impressive), clarity started to show up.
Here’s the reminder I wrote down right after:
When people feel pushed (even gently), they protect.
When people feel safe, they tell the truth.
And the truth moves things faster than advice ever will.
Most of the purpose-driven leaders I coach aren’t stuck because they don’t know how to execute.
They’re stuck because they’re living inside one of these loops:
- Overfunctioning: “If I don’t carry it, it won’t get done.”
- Performing: “I can’t look uncertain.”
- Managing optics: “I should be grateful. I shouldn’t rock the boat.”
- Fixing everyone else: “Let me stabilize things first, then I’ll deal with me.”
So when they finally get a quiet moment to talk about their life, the reflex kicks in:
Solve it. Fast. Efficiently. Correctly.
But there’s a problem with that reflex:
Sometimes the fastest path to clarity is not speed.
It’s staying.
I’ve found new research that supports this.
- A 2026 meta-analysis in Human Communication Research looked at how messages trigger psychological reactance (that “don’t tell me what to do” response) and how reactance affects persuasion outcomes. Translation: the more controlling the message feels, the more resistance you can accidentally create, even when you’re trying to help. Here’s the link.
- Harvard research (yes, it’s a bit older – from 2017) on conversations found that asking more questions (especially follow-up questions) leads to being better liked, because it increases perceived responsiveness (people feel understood and cared for). Here’s the link.
- A 2025 study on coaching and goal achievement found that how a goal is framed matters. Specifically, a learning-oriented frame was linked to higher perceived goal achievement in the coaching condition. Translation: when the stance shifts from “get it right” to “learn what’s true,” progress gets easier. Here’s the link.
So yes.
This is me formally giving you permission to stop being helpful in ways that are secretly controlling.
And to practice being helpful in a way that actually creates movement.
A Small Experiment for This Week
Two options. Choose what fits your life.
Option A: The 5 minute “release the grip” rep
Pick one conversation you’re in (or avoiding).
Answer one:
- Where am I trying to steer the outcome?
- What am I afraid will happen if I don’t fix this?
- What question would create space instead of pressure?
Then try this opener:
“Before I jump in, would you like support, ideas, or space?”
Option B: The 30 minute clarity practice
Block 30 minutes. Journal these prompts:
- “The role I keep defaulting to is …”
- “It protects me from …”
- “It costs me … ”
- “If I released the need to manage the outcome, the truer conversation would be …”
If you try either one, hit reply and tell me what you noticed.
See you next week,
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